yah, so that not so scary thing, future?

i’m terrified.

to rhyme or not to rhyme? how about both?

ever notice

that lurking, terrifying beast

skulking around the

next corner,

over the next hill?

 

that scary monster,

the future?

 

it’s a hideous thing, 

in our minds at least.

ever morphing, ever horrible,

always our worst nightmare.

 

i can’t take the path i would,

because of what creature

might, just might,

be at the end of it.

 

that scary monster,

the future.

 

but to live in fear,

of what shape 

tomorrow takes,

thats no fun.

 

to wonder forever,

to forget the present?

why would i ever do that,

and who could ever make me?

 

that scary monster,

the future!

 

i have a lot of life to live, i say,

screaming at the horizon.

i have a lot of love to give,

echoing off the walls.

 

hear me, future,

you are mine to mold.

take note,

what i want?

that’s not in your hold.

 

what scary monster,

future?

skeletons

you’re scared of what you’ll find when you get to know me?  when you get to know anyone?  how do you survive?  how do you live?  wouldn’t it be easier just to say “it doesn’t matter what i find?”  because you will find something.  everyone has their skeletons. everyone is scary when you get down to it, down deep enough. no one is beautiful all the time, all the way through.  no one is perfect and normal all the way through.  no one. 

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trying

I’m trying.  i really am.  I’m trying to get the words out.  its not gonna work.  i can tell already.

 

I’m trying not to fall in love with it.

I’m trying not to let you influence my decision.

I’m trying not to care.

I’m trying to hear the right decision.

I’m trying to do my best.

I’m trying not to get it.

I’m trying not to understand.

I’m trying not to be here.

I’m trying not to have to make this decision.

I’m trying not to wish it were all over.

I’m trying not to want you by my side.

I’m trying to be realistic.

I’m trying not to realize I’m failing at everything I’m trying.

“i’m losing you.”   it was her anthem, her constant refrain, throughout it all.  any time he walked away.  any time he hesitated before he told her he loved her.  any time he forgot to kiss her goodnight.  “i’m losing you.”  and it had been years.  and he hadn’t gone anywhere.  he said he would be there forever.  she said “forever is a long time.”  and then she’d look in his eyes and say, “i’m losing you.”  and then, one day, she turned around, and he was gone.  she had finally lost him.

they stole away into the woods, that night, when they thought no one would notice.  it was the end of the world, after all, and the two teens weren’t going to save it.  the world, that is.  they couldn’t even save each other.  the scientists had given it until midnight.  three hours.  three more hours to live.  it was dark already, the impending doom casting a shadow over what should have been a glorious summer night.  should have been.  and as they lay there, whispering promises that could never be kept, they finally forgot what should have been and lived.  for the three hours they had left.

 

this much

it was
always
going to be hard.
but it was
never
going to be this hard.
i was
never going to
care
this much.
never going to
give
this much.
to someone who
took
so much.
yet it’s only that way
for a little while.
then I miss him
again.

3am in a hotel in indiana

why don’t you write with more
regularity?
you ask.
regularity?
what is this thing,
regularity?
i know not regularity.
a life fraught with the
unexpected
has taught me to say
regularity?
ha!
i much prefer reality

this IS NOT happening

this is not
happening to me.
it’s a dream.
an alternate reality.
sliding off the
slick blacktop,
towards the ditch.
the ditch.
i don’t want to go in the ditch.
but this isn’t happening.
so it’s okay.
because this isn’t happening.
i’m floating.
the car is floating,
turning, spinning.
wait, no it isn’t.
i’m dreaming this.
aaaaannnd stop.
jolt to a stop, look around,
and breathe.
blink blink blink.
i’m backwards.
breathe.
turn, and drive.